Quotes tagged with humor (1199 quotes found)

Mae West
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
humor  temptation  # 504
Cassandra Clare
Well, I’m not kissing the mundane," said Jace. "I’d rather stay down here and rot."
Henry Ward Beecher
Where is human nature so weak as in the bookstore?
humor  books  # 516
Stephen King
When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, "Why god? Why me?" and the thundering voice of God answered, There's just something about you that pisses me off.
humor  religion  god  # 529
Douglas Adams
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
humor  # 531
Bertrand Russell
There are two motives for reading a book; one, that you enjoy it; the other, that you can boast about it.
humor  books  # 532
W.C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
humor  success  # 533
George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
humor  humanity  funny  # 548
Charles M. Schulz
Happiness is a warm puppy.
happiness  humor  animals  dogs  puppies  # 567
Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
life  humor  sex  # 569
Albert Einstein
If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?
Friedrich Nietzsche
It is hard enough to remember my opinions, without also remembering my reasons for them!
humor  philosophy  # 585
Mark Twain
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Anthony G. Oettinger
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
humor  time  # 594
Dr. Seuss
Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope.
humor  fantasy  # 600
Roald Dahl
So, please, oh please, we beg, we pray, go throw your TV set away, and in its place you can install, a lovely bookcase on the wall.
humor  books  television  # 605