Quotes tagged with funny (2933 quotes found)

Suzanne Collins
Well, don't expect us to be too impressed. We just saw Finnick Odair in his underwear.
Chris Rock
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?
Billy Sunday
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you an automobile.
humor  funny  automobile  car  religious  # 378
Phyllis Diller
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
sleep  anger  funny  # 427
John Green
What the hell is that?" I laughed.
humor  funny  # 497
Marilyn Monroe
It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.
funny  dirty  logo  sex  # 539
George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
humor  humanity  funny  # 548
Mark Twain
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
John Green
They love their hair because they're not smart enough to love something more interesting.
funny  awesomeness  # 620
Lemony Snicket
Everyone should be able to do one card trick, tell two jokes, and recite three poems, in case they are ever trapped in an elevator.
funny  # 623
Ellen DeGeneres
Accept who you are. Unless you're a serial killer.
funny  # 630
Albert Einstein
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.
funny  # 821
Cathy Guisewite
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
funny  eyes  lemons  # 838
Winston S. Churchill
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
funny  true  churchill  # 886
John Green
It's not because I want to make out with her."
funny  # 1030
Jerry Seinfeld
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
books  funny  # 1133