81 quotes found by Woody Allen

Woody Allen
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
life  humor  death  fear  # 98
Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
life  humor  sex  # 569
Woody Allen
In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!
notag  # 2179
Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
life  humor  art  # 2479
Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
sex  # 2542
Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
love  good  experience  # 10637
Woody Allen
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.
happy  talent  Instead  # 10638
Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
success  Eighty  Percent  # 10639
Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
life  misery  loneliness  # 10640
Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
funny  life  regret  # 10641
Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
failure  Innovative  Again  # 10642
Woody Allen
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
Illusion  Tradition  # 10643
Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
life  death  Insurance  # 10644
Woody Allen
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
funny  Team  Failed  # 10645
Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
Hundred  # 10646
Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
thankful  laughter  Except  # 10647