67 quotes found by George Carlin

George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
George Carlin
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
dance  music  dancing  # 361
George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
humor  humanity  funny  # 548
George Carlin
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
truth  women  men  crazy  stupid  # 552
George Carlin
Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!
life  humor  religion  atheism  # 680
George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
humor  # 1262
George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
humor  peace  fighting  sex  george-carlin  # 1307
George Carlin
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
humor  dream  wealth  funny  america  # 1539
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
notag  # 1905
George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
humor  humour  paradox  # 2894
George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
George Carlin
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
humor  animals  dogs  cats  language  # 2926
George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
humor  dreams  # 2948
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Wolves  moon  Silent  # 66875
George Carlin
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
funny  weather  Forecast  # 66876